Gidday! I’ve been caught in that loop where I think constantly about sending an email out to you all but then think “but no it has to be good” and consequently don’t send anything at all.

If I think hard about it, and I have been, given the employment situation I now find myself in, I have two traits that — if not toxic — can certainly be annoying and detrimental, and have enormous toxicity potential. They are my absurd perfectionism (see above) and my extraordinary rejection sensitivity, which some folks with ADHD/autism feel so strongly they term it rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Those powers combined make it a wonder I ever send or write anything at all. And they’ve caused enormous problems in my life, in relationships, and at work.

Welp, time to exorcise those particular demons. I’ll probably always have some degree of perfectionism and rejection sensitivity, but I’d rather they served me than got in my way. To that end, I have (for the hundredth time) resumed exercising, which I find good for exorcising. And I have also started, vis. my previous epistle, to upload a video (nearly) every day for 30 days. I’ve managed 18 days so far, and I’m very determined to see it through.

I’ve learned from doing this. Mainly to be okay with making things that are extremely less than perfect, that sometimes ‘good enough’ is indeed good enough, and to give less of a shit when something I do does not take off in the way that the deeply unfortunate perfectionism expects. In fact, it all adds up to a good working example of how perfectionism and rejection sensitivity act as a one-two team to stymie action. Perhaps this sounds familiar: you work too long on something (perfectionism) when you’d learn a lot more from doing something faster and less perfect, then expect more from it than you should (will THIS be the video that gets twenty million views?) and then the rejection sensitivity kicks in (bawwww, this one only got to twenty thousand!).

Going through the motions over and over again seems to blunt the impact; after a while you just seem to stop caring. In a good way.

And I’m getting a bit less weird about showing my mug on the internet too.

You can check out the odyssey on each of the Cursed Platforms. YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@tworuru/shorts

Instagram (most cursed)
https://www.instagram.com/tworuru/

Or TikTok, if you’re so inclined
https://www.tiktok.com/@tworuru

And here is the one that seems to have done best across all three of them:

Making up for lost time

Of course, after 12ish days of having my creative impulses spaghettified by the internet’s supermassive black holes of short-form content, it occurred to me: why am I not doing this here?! After all, you are the ones who’ve made the effort to really subscribe to the stuff I make, taking actual time to consume it in appallingly old-fashioned word form. But of course I don’t want to spam you, either. So I’ll set up a special email list for yet another 30 day challenge. Should you opt in via the button below, I will send you an email every day for 30 days, detailing the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles, of the inherently absurd but hopefully productive effort of trying to spin up an art/creative agency business in just one month.

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Misc

After my piece at The Spinoff, RNZ got in touch to ask for a chat about self-improvement, and I was happy to oblige. (I thought I’d posted this already, but apparently not! I’m still not 100 percent sure, but I think I managed to make it through without making a complete goose of myself. Have a listen!

A few readers have been replying to my emails letting me know what they get out of it. These have been absurdly touching to read and I hope you never stop sending them. If you do want to send me one, just reply to this email. Here are just a few, with more coming next time.

Charlie writes:

I read your pieces from time to time and always enjoy them although I am often left wondering why. Maybe it’s the randomness that some how feels very familiar to me. Whatever it is, keep doing it. You make this 75 year old almost retired male feel a little less irrelevant.

Sarah writes:

Kia ora Josh, Not sure this is the reply you’re looking for. Nonetheless, a reply is what you’ve got! I knew you have an ADHD brain but I didn’t realise you’re Autistic as well. So that’s why you’re so cool! Relatable struggles. I haven’t had an ADHD assessment (despite my doctor’s encouragement to go for one) but I am confirmed Autistic. Our little family all really relates to Pathological Demand Avoidance. Even internal demands trigger it. It’s very frustrating for all concerned, but especially for the person receiving or perceiving the demands. I think that gets in our way a lot. The eldest one can’t cope with something as simple in appearance as a “good morning” wave. I wish I could say that didn’t result in me feeling hurt even though I understand the why (curse RSD). Both kids dropped out of school without qualifications because school is nothing but demands. I am grateful they are diagnosed and old enough for us to not be facing the current government’s ire.  I’m moving further and further towards self acceptance. It doesn’t always come easily but I mostly can’t be bothered trying to spur myself or my teenagers into action anymore, or to feel in ways other than we feel, beyond trying to be good people who help others. Maybe part of it is trying to justify my own life as a disabled person unable to properly participate in the employment market (thanks, related health conditions) but I’m grateful I don’t have to labour in paid employment and can spend my life doing things that feel meaningful (when I’ve gathered the spoons to do so). Today I went to a doctor’s appointment with someone and then in to WINZ to make sure they’re getting what they need as best they can within system constraints. On Monday night, I ran a craft gathering for Autistic gender queer people and women. I’ve found my niche, finally, in turning towards what feels good rather than what I (or others) think I should be doing, and I’m grateful that that is an option to me. I really should finish sorting that will I paid for though.  Reading is a struggle for me (and my auditory processing is even worse) but I like reading your newsletter. In part to reassure myself I’m not wasting valuable time by spurning self-help books, but I also enjoy your curiousity, your world view, how articulate you are, and the relatablility of the struggles. I’m sorry you never got your tree photo, though I hope you can treasure the feeling it gave you when you saw it. I lost virtually all my photos of the house I grew up in, my grandparents’ homes, and the rental we lived in when the kids were born. But even though I can’t share these places with anyone else now, I’m grateful to remember how they felt.  A belated happy birthday to you. I am also 42. I think a lot about death, but in more of a “this is going to happen at some point” rather than in a self-induced way. That is major progress. I’m grateful to know I’m Autistic because it’s given me the missing pieces of the puzzle to understand who I am and see that it’s ok. If I think other Autistic people are cool, worthy, intelligent, belong in this world (and deserve accommodations and understanding!), then maybe I should be more compassionate towards myself and realise I’m not so different. We can do good things.  I hope to cross paths in person one day. Thanks for doing what you do when you are able to.  Sincerely, Sarah of Kirikiriroa PS. I’ve never read Hitchhiker’s Guide (and I accept I never will) but somehow I do still get the reference!

Joel writes:

Hi Josh,

Just wanted to send a quick reply to this. In recent times I have aggressively cut down on the amount of news/newsletters/blogs/social media I consume. Mainly for mental health reasons. Also because over consumption has an effective way of keeping me from doing basically anything else. For the last year or so, my blog consumption has been cut down to roughly – actually exactly – one. This one.

Two words come to my mind: hopeful and connected. Even as I write them, they seem like odd words to associate with the impersonal activity of reading a newsletter that doesn’t always have the sunniest disposition. But there is something about a man who’s roughly a decade older than me consistently writing in a way that is thoughtful, vulnerable, insightful, often poignant…it’s actually quite aspirational. You often have a lovely way of helping me clarify a feeling or thought that I have not quite had the words for previously. I often feel ‘seen’ by your work, and tend to carry it internally for several days afterwards.

Your consistency is of quality, if not regularity. For which I have much gratitude.

Best, Joel

Making a go of it

Now that I don’t have a traditional job, I’m busier than ever. Now that I am finally in the habit (via the partially-debunked notion that it takes two weeks to form a new one) of posting something new every day, the focus for the next 30 days is to develop my various interests and income streams into something that replaces my lost full-time income, enabling such useful things as “food” and “mortgage payments.” I have a lot of ideas on this front and I’ll be posting about them every day, but for now, the most helpful thing you can do is subscribe via the big red button below. It’s a monthly charge; the suggested amount is $5, but you can pay whatever you want.

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